Why do we give?

I owe a post about the more mundane things in life, but thought I'd indulge myself with a little philosophy today. I've been thinking a lot lately about what it is that motivates us (well, me, really) to do "good" things, and why and when that altruistic spirit fills or eludes me. Here are two different takes on how I've felt about the whole matter of giving and helping. I wrote the first bit a few weeks ago, the second tonight. Perhaps each has its place. I'm definitely still a bit baffled. Anyhow…

 

Am I a cynic?

 

Joining the Peace Corps is one of the ultimate American tropes for doing good. I've noticed in a number of movies that I've watched recently that people refer to it all the time; "if you want to save the world, join the Peace Corps" is a leitmotif in Hollywood (I hadn't noticed this before actually up and joining…). But what really brings us here? Why did I join Peace Corps? Did I have some illusion that I would be helping to save the world? Maybe. But I think that what motivated me more was my own personal needs.

 

I help because it makes me feel good to help. I go to volunteer at an orphanage at least in part because I love the fact that these babies adore me. I gave my neighbor kids a soccer ball, at least half knowing how good it would make me feel to walk by every evening and to see them playing with it. I went into Public Health because I love the intellectual challenge as well as the idea that I could be changing things for the better.

 

Does the fact that my giving is colored by self-service dilute the fact that I am giving in the first place? I'm not sure. I feel awfully selfish at times, guilty for knowing that I'm here for less-than-purely altruistic reasons, knowing that I will probably benefit far more than anyone in Ethiopia—much less the world as a whole—will from my being here for two years. It's not that I think that it's wrong, per se, for me to profit from this experience. It's just different from the way that people usually perceive Peace Corps service (as being something wholly selfless and giving). My being here doesn't necessarily make me a good person. Just a person who feels she should be doing good work.

 

Or am I an idealist?

 

I saw a woman in pain today. Not just a small ache, but actually suffering. She was emaciated, really barely more than skin and bones, wearing old tattered clothing, and had clearly walked a long way to get to the hospital from the rural areas. She was grasping at her waist, leaning heavily on her family members, grimacing, and stumbling across the gravel walkway that the hospital seems to think is a good idea for rainy season, barefoot. She was no more than thirty years old, but could have been dying.

 

That really brought me back to reality. I'm not sure that I've ever actually seen that kind of pain. You get kind of inured to the everyday sufferings of people here—kids living on the street, people without money for a blanket, women carrying 50-pound bags of charcoal miles and miles to market, babies born with HIV. I thought that maybe I had grown insensitive to it.  I'm glad to know that I'm not. I felt horrible for this woman: a true ache in the pit of my belly. And it made me realize something. That for all of my complaining, my discontent, all of my feeling homesick, or unproductive, or lonely, or lost, maybe there's some small thing I can do to help someone who is suffering.

 

I certainly hope so. If not, what am I here for? And not just in Ethiopia; why be alive if you can't try to ease some of the world's awful pain?

 

I'm not sure how that translates into actual work. Sometimes Public Health work, particularly the more academic, hands-off kind of work that I'm used to, feels really distant from helping anyone. But I hope that it does. Or that it can. I need for it to, need to make sure that what I do can in fact make some small positive change. I've been searching for some meaning, and I think that she might have helped me to find it. I'll be thinking of her tonight.

 

I don't have an answer about why we give. Or about why I feel driven (at least sometimes) to help. But I'm certainly wrestling with it these days.